livid as a bruise
by the sun in splendor
Summary: mum always did tend to confuse the paprika with the chili powder. anorexia.
1. rise

warning: disordered thoughts. possibly triggering.

* * *

><p>Luna is loneliest at lunch. She repeats this to herself like a theme song, even puts a quiet tune to it when there's no one else in the common room. <em>Loony Luna is loneliest at lunch.<em>

Only because food is not her friend-

but she doesn't have friends, does she? It's not something that bothers her; it's just another fact to file away in the back of her head, next to the watering schedule for the dirigible plums and her sneaking suspicion that Stubby Boardman might not actually be Sirius Black.

No. It's never been about the food

(Though she does remember her mother's attempts at cooking. things swimming in oil or sauce, things that tasted good enough to eat-

good enough to eat! Can you imagine?

-but after The Spell That Went Horribly Awry, nothing tasted quite as good)

despite what the other Ravenclaw girls say. And they seem to all have opinions of her and her food (or lack thereof), which honestly she thinks is a bit unfair, because goodness knows they make enough fun of her already

-normally she just puts these things on the back burner and it's not an issue because there are important things to think about-

but she assumes the snide remarks (_Like a little bird! And she's got the bug eyes, too. Legs like toothpicks_- though the last one actually cheered her up a bit) will continue on as always. She'll go on pretending to ignore them and her classmates will go on thinking she's rather odd.

Ginny stopped giving her funny looks after the sixth or seventh time they had lunch together.

(Ginny had pumpkin pie. Luna had a plate full of air.)

And it's not like it matters, really. It's just food, and it all tastes the same

-a little like defeat, she thinks,

so she avoids it. And days will go by without her having any proper meals, but honestly, she can't say it bothers her. Every bite tastes a little like the last dish her mum made

(Some sort of eggplant casserole. She remembers her mother's experimentation with spices- everything always tasted just a little bit off. Mum always did tend to confuse the paprika with the chili powder).

She doesn't eat.

She doesn't need it. It's just food, it's not like it's magic. She _needs_ magic. On the days when she doesn't even mutter a simple spell, she feels as though her heart is caving in.

She can run her hands up and down her ribs and count most of them, on the days she _forgets_ to eat. They feel like the keys of a xylophone.

She imagines the music her bones must make, and smiles.


	2. descent

Later, Luna will reflect.

After the war, once _Harry-Ron-Hermione _have been split into _Harry-Ginny_ and _Ron-Hermione_, and their prospective children have been made and named, she will find a mirror and give herself a quizzical stare.

Sometimes she will wonder if she sees what other people do; there are miles of skin on her body, interspersed with hills that rise like past mistakes (where she sees pudge, others see the sharp cut of bones).

There will a conversation with Hermione, at some point..

_Honestly, Loon….Luna. Really. You're skin and bones. You're hardly even there._

This will be right after everything begins to settle down. Just before the rebuilding starts. She'll look back on it fondly. _Just a little overworked, no need for concern._ She will smile crookedly at Hermione, who will wince in return. _I think we're all under a little stress._

And eventually, there will be a fight with Ginny, who refuses to put up with 'the madness' anymore.

_That's it, Luna. I mean it. If you're not even going to try, I'm not going to either._

The door will slam behind her.

The house will seem quite empty.

Time will pass.

She will meet a man, but with the exception of one night (resulting in the culmination of her existence, as she will later come to know the child), they will never touch. There will be no clandestine kisses, no hands being held. Luna will believe him to be repulsed by her

(and that makes sense, of course, because she knows she's disgusting. she doesn't need anyone else to figure it out for her.)

when in fact, he will be absolutely in love and absolutely terrified that he will break his fragile new wife.

But for now-

There is a body at her feet. She doesn't recognize the student- for all her adventures, for all the people she's come to know in the past year, for her fantastic memory, she has apparently missed this boy.

Another explosion rocks the ground she stands on, and a candleholder falls off the wall and nearly grazes her arm. She flits sideways just in time.

She mouths _I'm sorry_ at the boy on the ground, then begins to run toward the Great Hall. The castle is collapsing around her, she can feel it. But for now, Loony Luna has a secret-

She is skin and bones, and very little else. She is weightless. She can fly.


End file.
